The Places Where I Have Died and Yet I Still Live

I climbed a dangerous mountain called covenant and found when I got to the top the battles I had fought to get there and the convictions formed as I pushed my way upward were quite different than those of others I met along the way.

I died on that mountain.

It sent me down to the valley of great loss. I lived in that valley for a very long time, bearing heavy burdens, weeping great rivers of tears, carrying great shame and reproach. Much anger arose in my soul, great opportunity to accuse, question, blame others and myself. The greatest despair was to be found in knowing that God led me this way and in order to truly live out my convictions they had to be tested and proven. The pain with which it pleased Him to grieve me was that of authenticating my convictions and my love for Him above all else.

I died in that valley.

I climbed another mountain called hope it was a twin of the first peak I climbed. In fact I would fly from one to the other at times. This mountain had great promise of provision, breakthrough, dreams coming to pass, prophecies coming to fruition. None turned out the way I envisioned, expected or believed for.

I died on that mountain.

It collapsed beneath my feet and plunged me into a wilderness of depression. In that wilderness I could do nothing but cry, I could not provide anything for myself as every little task became a mountain to me. That is where I met ravens who came and fed me, nurtured me, wept with me and prayed….they were from the very heart of God and sustained my weary soul.

I died in that wilderness.

I finally got up from there and traveled to the beautiful Garden of Gethsemane, the place that caused me to know the aloneness of the soul from all other humans and the absolute sacrifice of my will to His. No one could go there with me, it was my place to go alone, to wrestle my flesh, the Lord and the devil. It was not pretty, definitely not easy, and not something I took lightly. The more I suffered the closer He came for He understood, He’d been there before.

I died in that Garden.

Unbeknownst to me, the next step was the cross. The place where my crown was that of thorns—all hell against my mind, the nails in my hands and feet, held me in a place where I could do nothing, and go nowhere. There I was for the entire world to see helpless, hopeless, dieing, and bleeding. Thieves, religious mindsets, friends, devils all seemingly opposing, accusing, misunderstanding all exacting the blows that would finish my cross. I found that in my nothingness, inability, nakedness and helplessness He became my all, my ability, my covering and my help. He found me beautiful in that place in only a way He can.

I died on that cross.

That death sent me to the pit of hell. In that hell I found the devil holding keys that were mine. I did not know they were mine. Weary from the battles, the death, the aloneness, and hopelessness, I could not see that he had no power to keep them. He taunted me for days, hours, and moments reminding of my failures, my lack, my past, convincing me I had no hope for the future, why because I was there and I was not capable of anything. I found the Lord saving my soul as He showed me that from the womb, the enemy had 3 lies he had whispered that now had become shouts within me and my interpretation of all that was around me. They were truth to me, I believed and allowed them to determine my thoughts, decisions and interpretations of things. I did not know for they were intricately woven within my soul, but TRUTH came and He crushed those things and told me the real truth, the truth that brings life.

I have not died here…I am fighting for those keys. The keys that are mine, that were given to me by the king to rule the portion He has allotted to me. I have seen a glimpse of them but have not yet held them. The danger for the enemy is that now I know he has them and they are mine. I have not died these many deaths in vain. I know I am nothing and that is a great weapon because all that I am not…He is. I know I have no ability, anointing, or favor unless He has mercy and grace towards me and extends it to me. I know the keys the enemy is keeping from me are powerful and able to unlock the chains of many and open huge doors for others or else he would not be holding on so tightly and fighting so ferociously. I hate him and he hates me. We have that in common.

I have died many deaths this year, some I have died well and with great grace and ease, others I have died screaming, cussing and crying all the way down without any poise, grace or spirituality. But this one thing I know---I’m in love with God and God’s in love with me, this is who I am and this is who I’ll be and that settles it completely.